The Scientist
by Miss Spiritual Slut
Summary: Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard... I'm going back to the start. A story from Jess' point of view


A/N: Okay. Hi. Um… one chapter, songfic. The lyrics are of Coldplay's "The Scientist". It contains some spoilers about the end of the season… So, um, yeah.

**The Scientist**

_Nobody said it was easy_

_It's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be this hard_

_Oh, take me back to the start_

He was standing on the porch of her house, looking through her window.

The curtain was half-open. Closed enough to shield her from the upcoming morning sun, but open enough for him to get a good look at her.

It was late. Too late. He glanced at his watch, making a mental note of the current time. He didn't get a clear look. It was something around 2am.

She was asleep. Sound asleep. She didn't move. He placed his hand above his eyes to shield them from the dim light that was caused by the porch's night lighting. He noticed the rise and fall of her chest through her seemingly thick blanket. She looked so peaceful.

He only wished to be this peaceful.

Luke kicked him out. Well, that might be an exaggeration, but that was pretty much what he did. 

When he asked to move back in with Luke about a year ago, Luke made it clear that if he won't graduate, he won't let him stay. But he didn't believe that Luke would do it. 

He also couldn't have brought himself to graduate. He worked, yes, but he felt like he wasn't able to even just set a foot in school.

He knew his chances of graduating would be little, but he still hoped that these little chances would happen. His heart fell when he found out he wasn't able to graduate. He knew, but he still felt like he was hit by a truck.

And so did Luke. And he kicked him out.

He was leaving tomorrow; Luke told him he'd still have his job in the diner if he decided to stay in town.

But he had nothing to look for in Stars Hollow. Besides of Luke and Rory, he had nothing. No one liked him, or accepted him, or wanted him there. He figured Taylor wouldn't approve of his apartment applications anyway.

And there was that coffee guys. His 'Dad. More like the guy who called himself his father. He didn't deserve it for shit. But still, something about the guy bugged him.

He lived in California. His 'Father'. 

He ordered a plane ticket. One day from now, he'll be living in California as well. 

He had doubts about it. He had no idea if he was doing it to 'find himself', to get away, or… to get to know the asshole.

He figured he should give him a chance. After all, the guy did nothing but to leave him when he was young. It sounded so simple when he thought about it this way. But it wasn't simple. It was nothing but simple.

It screwed up him life. Big time.

Maybe it was time for him to get a father figure. Maybe it was time for Jimmy – his dad – to get a son. After all, he did come looking for him.

Either way, tomorrow was going to be his last day in Stars Hollow.

_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry_

_You don't know how lovely you are_

_I had to find you, tell you I need you_

_Tell you I set you apart_

She stirred in her bed. Getting his focus back on her, he felt fascinated.

She had been incredible. He never believed she would willingly choose to be with him. He never believed she would put up with his shit. He found it hard to believe she was able to tolerate him for one week, let along five months.

But she did. He was grateful for that. For not judging him. For not trying to analyze beyond what she say. Even if he didn't make her deliriously happy.

God, if only he had a cigarette to smoke at that moment. Fuck his health, he simply needed something to help him calm at that moment. He wasn't going to regret it tomorrow.

He heard a muffled moan coming from her room as he kept looking. He wondered if she was dreaming. He wondered what she was dreaming about.

Leaving would be best. For her, for him, for Luke, for this town, for everybody. He didn't want to be any more of a burden on any of them.

He had no dreams. His road was blank. He wanted her dreams to come true. And he knew it wasn't bound to happen with him on her side.

He wasn't going to tell her. She'll find out on her own. It'd all be for the best.

_Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions_

_Oh, lets go back to the start_

_Running in circles, coming in tales_

_Heads are a science apart_

He was waiting for her at the bus station. He wanted to meet early. The bus that leads from Stars Hollow to Hartford was supposed to come in four minutes. He wanted to spend as much time with her as he could.

He drove to Hartford last night. He left his duffle bag in a booth he rented in the bus stop he'd be getting off at. Where he would switch to the bus that would eventually take him to the airport.

She was supposed to go to Chilton for some sort of a meeting. School paper meeting. The Franklin, is it?

And he was going to the airport.

He sold his car back to Gypsy the previous night. When she asked - in her most charming way, of course – why, he told her he's developing a bus-rides fetish. She just glared at him. Everybody always glared at him.

He told Rory his engine broke down. He told Luke he sold the car.

Luke was confused. He just said nothing. Luke doesn't need to know. He doesn't need to try and stop him, or offer him to continue living at the apartment in whatever terms he would come up with, or simply ask him to stay. God knows he didn't want to, anyway.

He wanted to just leave. He didn't want anyone to stand in his way. It would only made it harder if someone did. And he wanted to just escape.

He didn't need to make things in any way right with Luke. This time, he wasn't going to come back.

He hated goodbyes. When he left Stars Hollow before, and got back to New York, he told no one. Hell, no one but Luke.

His leaving was a mutual decision. Luke figured out it would be easier if he got away and he himself knew that by hurting Rory, he had probably lost his only 'friend' in that freaky town.

After that accident, Luke found him at the bridge. They got back and he packed his bag. They shared one look before he was out the door.

Even though they were somewhat closer now, he just left without saying anything. He packed his bag the previous night when he got back from looking through Rory's window, after Luke was already asleep. And that morning, he sneaked out without even telling Luke where he was going.

He was a bit sorry that he left with no goodbye. He really, really hated goodbyes. But no matter what happened in the last year and a half… it was nice. He'd never admit it, though.

"Hi." He heard her cheerful voice, which woke him from his trail of thought. He felt a little tired. He barely managed to get any sleep. He didn't time it, but he slept for about two hours. And that wasn't oh so peaceful, either.

He turned. She stood behind him. She was smiling. He forced a smile. There was no way that smile could've been sincere. Not with how he felt.

"Hey." He replied. She was panting. She ran there. She knew the bus' schedule by heart. He found that pathetically adorable. 

That brought a smile to his face. A small, genuine smile.

Just then, the bus pulled to the curb.

"Shall we?" She asked in that sweet voice of hers. She seemed so relaxed. Well, no wonder. She got a good, quiet sleep last night.

He replied to her with a sole nod. He felt bad about doing this to her. But she probably wouldn't care much. She'd be over it soon enough.

His hand was taken in hers, and he allowed her to lead him up the bus as the doors opened. He glanced back at the town, as it stood still, not even winding at his direction. It couldn't care less. He gave it one last glance. The town. The town that _used_ to be his home.

_I was just guessing at numbers and figures_

_Pulling your puzzles apart_

_Questions of science, science and progress_

_Do not speak as loud as my heart_

She took him to a music store next to her school. They've been there a few times. Times when he came to pick her up from school. Afterwards, they were supposed to walk to a bookstore that was a couple of blocks away. Then they'd go downtown and have Pizza. But she would probably change her mind. He was already prepared. It always happened.

He insisted on paying for everything. For the CDs she'd choose, for the books she'd like, for whatever the hell she'd choose to eat. It's the least he was able to do for her.

He draped his arm around her shoulders as they walked to that record store. He was planning to keep this arm draped. He wanted to let go, but he couldn't. Maybe it was because he didn't really want to let go.

_Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me_

_Oh and I rush to the start_

_Running in circles, chasing tails_

_And coming back as we are_

Did he love her? He didn't know. 

He had never loved before. He didn't know how it feels, to love. He knew he felt something… different, for her. But he didn't know if it was something that fitted the exact definition of this famous but infamous word. Term. Feeling.

Although he didn't show it much, he cared about her. A lot. He never really cared for anyone he dated.

But, did he love her?

He didn't want to figure out. It would just make it even harder for him to let go.

Did she love him? He figured that she didn't. He has done nothing to deserve her love. He has done nothing to deserve _anyone_'s love. Like hell, his mom didn't love him, or at least not more than she was forced to. His own mom. He didn't even care about all that happened when he lived with her in New York. Just sending her son away when she just couldn't deal with him showed that she didn't care enough. And his dad dropped chances of loving him when he left him.

He had never loved. He felt compelled to love him 'family', but he honestly didn't. He tried. But it was never easy.

His mom told him about Jimmy. How he just left one day, without even giving a reason. Maybe that's where he got his dislike for goodbyes from, the need to just run away and leave everything behind.

He bought her a couple of CDs before the headed to the bookstore. He had to do almost everything in order to stop her from trying to keep him from paying for her stuff. He bought her a book. Well, he bought her another one that she wanted but refused to let him pay for. He'd either slip it into her backpack later or he would send it to her. Hopefully, it will help her forgive him.

She dragged him into another small shop. She needed a few things for school, and she made it clear that she wasn't going to let him pay for any of the things she decides to buy there.

He picked up a cute pencil case when she wasn't looking and paid for it when she searched for pens. He also bought her a pencil sharpener. She wasn't going to need it, he knew, but it was just… symbolic.

Food was the only thing she willingly let him pay for. She was way too starved to start arguing. She was always starving, but he was starving as well.

Maybe it would put the butterflies in his stomach to rest. Maybe they'll just keep flying in there until he's completely gone.

_Nobody said it was easy_

_Oh, it's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be so hard…_

They were back on the bus. He was dreading the moment she'd go down at her station. Then it'll be completely over.

He held her hand. All through the ride, he had her hand in his. He looked out the window as she talked, occasionally nodding to show a sign of involvement. He felt bad for not listening, but he just couldn't. He couldn't stop looking at what he was leaving. What he'll probably never see again. 

And then he saw her school getting closer and closer to the bus's path. 

She already pulled her backpack on. She rose up and he froze. This is it. That's what he hated the most, the time to say goodbye.

She leaned down to kiss him, but he got up and pulled her to him instead. She stumbled, but it didn't seem to bother any of them when his lips found their way to hers.

He gave her all he had in that kiss. All the good, all the bad, all the sorrow, all the excitement, all his wishes for her forgiveness, all his might, all his heart. All she gave him, all she made him feel, all that their relationship had. He treated it like what it was – a farewell kiss. 

It was only a matter of seconds before the bus came to a stop, but to him, it seemed like forever. It wasn't until he heard the doors open that he pulled out. She was smiling sheepishly at him, but he couldn't bring himself to even fake a smile.

"Bye." She said, giving him another quick kiss. And then she walked away.

"Goodbye." He said quietly, but loud enough for her to hear. She smiled again as she got off the bus. 

It was like any other time. Any other time when they were hanging out and said their 'see ya later's. But this time, it wasn't a 'see ya later'. It truly was a goodbye. And she didn't even know.

He followed her with his eyes until she was completely out of his sight. He bumped his head lightly against the window. He desperately wished for the cigarette he wanted the previous night.

He wanted to cry. But he couldn't. He never cried. 

The bus stopped at the station he was supposed to switch busses in. Now even the remaining of her sweet smell wasn't to linger with him through the ride. He took his backpack with him, got his duffle bag from where he left it, and impatiently waited for his bus to arrive. He wanted to get this over with, and he wanted to get this over with so quickly.

It finally arrived. He spent the pretty short drive thinking about everything. It was too much to describe. It was too painful to talk about. 

It wasn't too long after, when he had to go down. He rose up, sighing, taking his backpack with him.

He took his bag out of the trunk of the bus, then he watched it drive away. He simply looked around for minutes, until he managed to pull himself out of there and into the airport.

He was just on time. It freaked him out for some reason. He tried to calm himself down, tried to deny and avoid his nervousness. But it was impossible.

Was it all worth it? He had no idea. Was getting to know someone who apparently is his dad worth losing the somewhat stable ground he stood on for the last few months? He doubted it. Maybe it was going to surprise him. He hoped. Because if not, he was going to be very, very, very pissed. He already lost the girl he, well, cared for. And he lost the guy that he called his family, and he lost the apartment that he called a home, and he lost what he had to call his town, and if it's going to turn out bad…

Who was he kidding? He brought this on himself. He brought _everything_ on himself.

He just… he never thought it would be easy. But he never imagined it would be this hard.

_I'm going back to the start._


End file.
